Spare Me

If it were up to me licenses would be issued based not only on driving ability (which is not strict enough already), but also on your ability to handle stupid shit that goes wrong with your car while driving.  In my world tow trucks are only applicable for the most extreme circumstances (ie the engine falls out).  Out of gas?  Should have paid attention, walk your dumb ass to the next gas station.  Flat tire?  Learn to change it or no license for you.

Why can't people change flat tires?  Do you really need to wait all day for a tow truck and spend a couple hundred dollars for something you can fix in a couple minutes?  If you're like me you don't buy into that bullshit, you get your ass out of the car and you put on the spare. Like this:

Changing a flat tire:


What you'll need:

Spare Tire
Tire Iron
Jack
Balls

Step 1:  Pull the goddamn car over!


So you're driving, you hear a loud-ass pop, your car starts pulling really hard to one direction and shaking up and down.  Pull over jackass!  You'd be amazed by how far people will drive on their rims, fucking up their car further.  Slow down, pull over and fix your damn tire.


Step 2:  Apply the parking brake


This should probably go without saying, but whenever you plan to elevate part of your car you should put on the damn parking brake.  If the thing rolls and falls over on you I don't feel bad for your newly crippled ass because you deserved it for being dumb (Darwin agrees with me).


Step 3:  Loosen the lug nuts


This is just to make it less of a pain in the ass later.  Loosen the lug nuts on the tire you're working on while it's still on the ground.  That way the tire won't turn from the torque required to start the lug nuts going.  I wish I could say this funnier somehow, but it just makes it easier trust me.


Step 4:  Jack the car up


Look through your car until you find the tire iron, jack and spare tire.  Most people will find this in the trunk.  Let me know when you have it...

Got it?

OK good.  Most new small cars will come with a scissor jack like this:

Jack

If not larger/older car may have a hydraulic jack that looks likes this:

Hydraulic Jack

Whichever kind of jack you have, line it up on the frame next to the tire you're replacing.  Many new cars will even have diagrams and sometimes markings on the frame to know exactly where to put the jack.  Don't fuck this up!  If you put the jack in the wrong place on the car you'll break some other shit on your car.  Put it on the frame only.  Make sure the jack is sitting on flat ground and put the spare under the bumper on the car near the tire you're replacing.  Flat ground will keep the jack from tipping over and dropping the car.  The spare tire will make it so if the car falls it doesn't hit the ground so you can jack it back up.  If you have a scissor jack turn the screw until the car is lifted so the tire comes off the ground.  If you have a hydraulic jack set it to lift and pump until the tire comes off the ground.

Step 5: Replace the tire

Take the lug nuts off the old tire and place them in the hub cap.  Don't pull a Peter Billingsley and lose them:

Oh Fuck indeed Ralphie

Take the tire off and switch it with the spare (again so the car doesn't fall on the ground).  Place the spare on the posts and hand tighten the lug nuts.  Take the tire iron and tighten the lug nuts in a star pattern:

Following this star pattern ensures that the lug nuts all have even torque.  Unless you want your tire flying off while you're driving, I'd make sure these fuckers are tight.

Step 6:  Finish up

Lower the car down carefully.  I like to go around the lug nuts again one more time in the same star pattern to make absolutely sure they're tight.  Put everything away and go get your tire fixed.  Don't drive on the spare forever!  These things aren't meant to be used long time, otherwise they won't be spare tires, they'd just be tires.  Most are only meant to be driven for about 150 miles, just long enough for you to get your real tire repaired.  Go buy a new tire and try not to blow that one.

Congratulations, you're one step closer to getting your license in Tom's perfect world.  Now you just need to learn how to merge asshole!

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