Snow blow me

I live in the northeast of the United States (where all the best people live), and we have been through what some pussies have been calling a "rough winter". What I've noticed more than anything else is no one knows how to fucking drive in the snow. This hasn't been a major problem for me because, like a real man, when it snows I do everything by sled team.

Fuck! I said no pickles!

So you shitty drivers don't take out my mailbox or hit my dogs as you skid through the ice I'm going to teach you how to drive in snow.

Driving in snow:


What you'll need:

A car
Snow
Common sense
The ability to make a dollar while other's are still making 75 cents (see above)

Tip 1: Your SUV isn't as good as you think it is.

Please pay attention to this part.  The SUV's made for soccer moms now a days are NOT made for offroading as their name would suggest.  They are top heavy pieces of shit that most of the time aren't even equipped with four wheel drive.  Unless you know for a fact that you can go rock crawling in your rig don't act like you can or you'll wind up like this jackass when there's been snow:

Asshole almost took out the damn liquor store.

Tip 2: Lower tire pressure and drive in lower gear.

Keep in mind you don't need to do this for a light dusting or just after the road's been plowed.  Lowering the tire pressure will put more rubber on the road and provide more traction when you drive.  Lowering the gear gives more torque so you don't just spin your tires.  If you drive automatic and don't realize it you do in fact have lower gears.  They will be below drive and will say either I and L or 2 and 1, etc.

Right here jackasses

If it's available snow tires are always a better option.

Tip 3: Don't panic when you skid.

You are driving on snow and ice, you will skid, fucking deal with it and don't panic.  Do NOT brake!  When you brake your tires will lock and you will completely lose control.  Turn into the skid and keep those tires moving and eventually something will catch and you will regain traction.

Tip 4: Don't pass the snow plow.

Somehow it always happens.  Some jackass doesn't feel like waiting behind the plow because it's moving to slow and because they're in an SUV they figure "Well I got this".  Every time they are wrong.  The plow is there to get rid of the snow that's making you crash so let them fucking do it.

Well that's it.  The best tip I can give you if you can't handle driving in the snow is DON'T FUCKING DO IT.  Instead of crashing and getting in people who can handle it's way just sit your ass at home and do what I do when it snows, get drunk by a fire.

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