Cavemen can do it, why can't you?

Fire.

The thought alone gets my man juices flowing.  Without fire our modern world would come to a stop, yet many "men" I know can't light one for shit.  That's where this blog comes in.

I went camping one summer with some friends and they decided it was time to light a fire.  Right away 5 or 6 guys ran over trying to prove how manly they were by trying to get the fire going.  I did what I always do when a bunch of jackasses are falling all over themselves to do work that I might otherwise be doing; I sat back and drank a beer.  After sitting for what felt like hours going through several beers I realized something, they'd have a much easier time lighting the fire if they used the sticks that were up their asses as kindling.  Here's how it's done:

Start a Fire:


What you'll need:

Fire source
Tinder
Kindling
Fuel
Y-chromosome

Step 1: Build 


Most guides will start off telling you to find a place clear of leaves and needles, so many feet from a tree with no overhanging branches, blah blah blah.  The way I look at it, if you're dumb enough to start a forest fire then fuck it you'll find a way.  Forests need to burn down every once and a while anyway, you don't want nature do win do you?


Anyway, figure out where your fire is going to be and let's get building.  First you want to gather up a handful of tinder and put it down in the center of your fire pit.  Tinder is pretty much anything that can be lit off your fire source: newspaper, cardboard, pine needles, leaves, paper evidence etc.  Around this put kindling pointing up and meeting at the top so they form a cone.  Boyscouts will call this a teepee structure.  Fuck boyscouts.  Kindling is basically a step up from tinder; tinder should lite kindling on fire.  Kindling usually consists of small sticks or boards.  Your structure should look like this:

If you only need a small fire you can stop here and light this, but fuck that.

If you want a bigger fire (and you do) that will be able to light logs, build another layer outside you kindling with bigger branches that can be lit off your kindling.  Remember to leave space to reach in so you can light your tinder.

Alternate:

Find some sticks that are bigger than you kindling, basically the branches of a tree.  Lay two parallel to each other, and then another two parallel logs will lie perpendicular to these forming a square.  Do a couple layers of this then use your kindling in the same way.  Finally stuff the inside with tinder and cover the top with more kindling.  The key to any fire is airflow so make sure nothing is packed too tight.  It should wind up looking like this:

Step 2: Light that fucker.

Take whatever fire source you may have (match, magnifying glass and the sun, flint and steel, high intensity laser, etc.) and use it to light the tinder.  Once the tinder is lit, wait for it to start burning the kindling.  Blowing on red hot parts of the kindling and small fuel branches will help the fire along.  If you built correctly with dry material, your fire should be going in no time.

Step 3: Keep it going.

At the point where the fire is going you can start to add your main fuel (logs, boards, people smaller and weaker than you, etc).  The main thing to remember is to take it in steps.  Don't try to light the trunk of a redwood off this base fire.  Quarter your logs and keep building up from smaller to larger.

At one point your fire will be down to red embers, but it's still possible for you to bring the fire back if you want to (and of course you want to, fire is awesome).  Build up your kindling in whatever structure you prefer on the red embers then hope you have good lung capacity.  Keep blowing on the embers until their heat lights the kindling then build again.

When you're done with the fire, spread out the embers and douse the whole thing with water.  Keep stirring for a little while and adding water to make sure the fire is out.

Post Script:

I am well aware that there are other structures that can be effectively used to build fires (lean-to, etc).  Don't bitch to me about this nonsense, go add them to your own fucking blog.

I know more than a few of you are probably thinking, "Wouldn't a real man use gas or something?"  Yes he would, but a real man also works with what he's got.  I'm assuming gas isn't necessarily available, and a real man would know how to light a fire without it.  You can also go to a mechanic to change your oil, hire someone to mow your lawn, or move on to a blog not meant for men.

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