Change your own oil pussy.

If I hear this one more time I'm going to puke, "I'm OK with cars, but I don't like to change my own oil.  I'd rather have a mechanic take care of it because he knows what he's doing." Disgusting.

I don't know about you, but I always know what I'm doing, and as far as I can tell I've always been able to change a car's oil.  I think it's one of those things that come naturally to men, like taking a piss standing up or drinking.

Since not all of you metro-yuppie douches grew up changing your parent's oil, I'll walk you through it so some greased up high school drop-out doesn't swindle you out of your money at Jiffy Lube.

First, you need to know to change your oil once every 3,000 miles or 6 months.  Your local garage will leave a little sticker to remind your dumb ass, but if you can't keep track then I can't help you.  Let's assume it is time to change your oil, here's what you need to do:

Change your oil


What you'll need:

Oil filter (Wherever you buy this there will be a book or a computer that tells you which one to get for your car.)
Oil (Your owner's manual will tell you how much to get.)
Oil pan
Wrench
Oil filter wrench
Testicles


Step 1:  Elevate the front of your car.
    
Either the front end of your car needs to be up in the air or you need to be a lot smaller than me, because you need to get under there.  If you have a lift, that's great, and you probably don't need to be reading this.  I've always found ramps to be both convenient and effective.  They look like this:

Car ramps

Put them in front of your front tires, drive up, stop on top, park, put on the emergency brake, turn off the car and get the fuck out, you've got work to do.

Step 2:  Drain the oil.

Somewhere on the bottom of the engine on the oil pan (depending on the model of your car), is a plug.  Behind this plug is your oil.  In case you haven't been following along, this oil needs to get out.  Depending on how recently you ran your car and how long you ran it, this oil might be hot, don't bitch at me, I warned you.  If you can't handle it, let your car cool down after you put it up on ramps.  When you're ready, turn this plug counter-clockwise to loosen it.  If I find any one of you saying to yourselves "Righty-tighty, lefty-loosie," and holding up your fingers to figure out which one makes the L, I will personally deliver a punch to your nuts.  Make sure your oil pan is sitting right underneath this thing, because surprise, surprise, some oil's gunna come out when you take the plug out.  Let the oil drain and move on to the oil filter.

Step 3:  Remove the oil filter.

Get down under your car and find the oil filter.  You should be able to find it near the oil pan, it looks like this:

An oil filter

Turn the oil filter counter-clockwise to remove it.  Unless you are among the burliest of men, or it was installed improperly, you won't be able to do this by hand.  There are a number of tools to use to get this fucker off, I've used everything from a strap wrench to a socket designed just for oil filters.  Stop by your auto parts store and take your pick.  There will still be some oil in here, let it drain out of here and out of the filter into your pan.

Step 4:  Put this shit back together.

Once all the oil is gone, screw the plug back into the oil pan, clockwise, as tight as you can by hand, then give it a twist by wrench.  Make sure it's nice and snug, but don't over tighten.  Install the new oil filter where the old oil filter was.  Again, tighten as much as you can by hand, clockwise, then give it a twist with whatever tool you attacked your oil filter with.  Make sure you don't over tighten this either, try to remember how tight the old one was when you took it off.

Step 5:  Fill the oil.

Pop the hood and find the oil cap:

Oil Cap

Open it, put a funnel in and dump in however much oil your car's owner's manual tells you to dump in.  Close the oil cap and you're done.  Congratulations, you know how to do one of the most basic things with your car you should have already known how to do.  Change your air filter every 12,000 miles, or four oil changes, and stop being a pussy, do it yourself.

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